


Belonging

by Solstilla



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, James Potter - Fandom, Lily Evans - Fandom, The Marauders - Fandom, jily - Fandom
Genre: F/M, War, loss of friendship, slowburn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-27
Updated: 2020-07-09
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:20:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 19,716
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23875336
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Solstilla/pseuds/Solstilla
Summary: This is the story of Lily Evans' 6th year at Hogwarts, the year after Severus called her a mudblood. She faces the world from a new perspective as the one person who has been with her through it all has betrayed her. Lily forms unlikely friendships, falls in love for the first time, and learns the power she holds within herself.
Relationships: Benjy Fenwick/Lily Evans Potter, James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, James Potter/OC
Comments: 28
Kudos: 29





	1. Prologue

Lily Evans had changed in between fifth and sixth year. During fifth year, she was bubbly, open, confident that she could take on the world. Then something happened, and everything about her changed. She didn’t respond to her friends’ letters half the time, she remained closed off and quiet more often than not, and some days it seemed as if she was opting to shut out the world completely. Petunia, her older sister, had commented on it as she packed up to move in with her new fiancé, Vernon.

“Lily…I know something happened at that…at that place. If you decide not to return…” Petunia glanced over Lily, who sat in her pajamas at bay window looking out over the garden. It was how she spent most of her time anymore. “If you decide not to go back, Vernon and I would love to have you.”  


Vernon was about as tall as he was wide, he sported a patchy moustache and suspenders most of the time, and Lily was weary of the way he spoke to her sister. Not that Tuney would listen to what she had to say anyways. Tuney had made it abundantly clear that Lily no longer held any weight in her life. Her sister’s magic was anything but a gift. It made her disgusting, less than. Although Lily strongly suspected the root of her disdain lied in jealousy, Lily couldn’t help but wonder how many other muggles would think the same of her. Wasn’t she a freak? At least, to any random muggle off the street. Wasn’t that why The Ministry of Magic had imposed such strict rules on keeping magic hidden?

Of course, the magical world didn’t quite welcome her with open arms either. Well, Severus did, at first. He used to promise her that being born to muggle parents meant nothing. He promised that no matter what the others said, she was still talented and wonderful at magic. They would team up and work on spells and research just for the fun of it because magic was theirs, and they were going to be successful spellmakers one day. Sometimes other students would make comments on her blood status and he would remind her who was making top marks. He would remind her that not everyone thought that way. He used to do that for her.

Lily snapped out of her thoughts when Petunia huffed.

“I guess that’s a no, then!” The blonde marched off, yanking a brown cardboard box with her as she ran out to the car.

“Tuney, wait!” Lily grabbed her arm. “Thank you. For the offer. I…I don’t think I’ll take you up on that, but…” She shrugged. “I’ll consider it.” And she would, she really would.

Severus’s words had cut so much deeper than she would allow him to know. Much deeper than she dared to let anyone know. It had changed her worldview. Did she fit into the magic world? Although her personal worth would never waiver, her reputation would never be as prestigious as someone with an all-magical upbringing. Her opportunities would remain limited by those who would never hire a muggleborn. Even some of her friends have made comments on how certain things are just for muggles, as if that made them somehow worse? Pens were actually very helpful, and way easier to use than quills. Part of her would never truly fit in as a witch.

But living as a muggle would be shutting out such a strong and important part of her. She could never do it. Could she? No, that would mean no more potions. It would mean no more charms. It would mean no more trips to Diagon Alley or getting to learn about all the magical creatures Hagrid would talk about. Magic was a part of her. She could never shut it out.

“Lils, come help us load up Tuney’s car, please?” Thomas Evans, her dad, asked. Lily nodded softly, running up the stairs to get more boxes.

She would find her place. She was determined to. She had to.


	2. King's Cross

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Language!  
> Lily goes to King's Cross station, but her usual start-of-the-year traditions have fallen through the cracks.

“Just like your father,” Thomas said, beaming with pride while pinning the prefect badge onto Lily’s shirt.

“I’m not a police officer, Dad,” Lily laughed, her eyes crinkling as she looked up at him. Her father seemed unbothered. “That’s an auror. I’m more like a…a hall monitor.”

“Go arrest some first years for me, yeah?” He kissed her head before pulling her in for a hug. Lily laughed despite her exasperation. She knew what he was doing. Her mum had told him although she distinctly remembered telling her not to.

_“Mum, how am I supposed to go to King’s Cross this year alone? How am I supposed to go and for the first year ever, we don’t have a sleepover? How am I supposed to go and not guess which flavor bean on the way there? How am I supposed to go and see him there? He’s going to be there and he’s going to seek me out. How can I face him and not show that I miss him? After what he called me, after what he’s become? It’s not going to be the same ever again-and I don’t want it to be but…but it was our tradition. I hate him! And I want things to go back to how they were but they can’t!”_

She couldn’t fault her, though. Marie Evans was kind to fault, empathetic beyond belief, and unable to keep a secret for the life of her. Lily pulled away from her dad to hug her mum, but she stopped her.

“I know you miss your old traditions, but I thought maybe making a new tradition could help?” Marie handed Lily a box from her purse. “Don’t open it here, open it with your girlfriends.”

It felt light in her hands and Lily stared down at the pink bow on top of the purple wrapping. Open it with the girls. She glanced around herself, as if trying to find them, before looking back at her mum. Lily had to swallow, her throat feeling tight all of a sudden. The girls. Would they be mad at her? She’d shut them out all summer. Marlene even offered to stay with her and come to King’s Cross so she wouldn’t feel so alone and Lily hadn’t responded to her letter. How was she supposed to say that she wanted her to come so bad but she was terrified it would make the day so much harder? How was she going to reconcile with them after this summer of one-sentence letters and eventually disappearing completely? Would they understand? Would they even want to speak to her again after Lily had been so rude?

“Thank you,” she croaked. She was about to duck her head to hide the tears about to fall but Marie pulled her in close.

“Listen to me, Lily Marie.” Lily nodded against her shoulder, not looking up. “You are so much stronger than you know. It’s okay to be torn down sometimes, but don’t ever let anyone keep you down. The girls miss you. They love you. Spend time with them. Laugh again, I miss your laugh, as deafening as it can be.” Lily smiled at that. She did tend to squeal when she laughed. “It’s okay if it takes a while for you to feel yourself again, but promise me you’ll try?”

“I promise, Mum.” Now she looked up at her mother, wiping away a stray tear. Thomas squeezed her shoulder for a moment before nodding to the brick pillar that would lead her to Platform 9 3/4.

“Go on, Duckie.” Holding back a smirk at her childhood nickname, she laid her present with her trunk before turning to hug them both.

“I love you both.”

“We love you too.”

Deep breath. She gripped her cart, closed her eyes, and ran.

The platform was bustling as the train loaded with students for the upcoming year. Lily couldn’t believe the wonder she felt as an eleven year old stayed with her all these years, but looking around at all the magic around her, she was awestruck. A little girl to her right was running around leaving a trail of bubbles behind him while his mother chased after them. She left behind an amused Ravenclaw boy who stood there shaking his head fondly. He stood tall with curly brown hair. Lily vaguely recognized him from prefect duties but couldn’t tell you his name if her life depended on it. He was kind, though, and he always made a point to smile at her anytime they crossed paths. It was the kind of smile that left butterflies in her stomach, but he was in a serious relationship with a beautiful girl. Amelia, or something like that.

“ _Lily!”_ The shrill call of her name brought her back to the present. She whipped around to see Marlene McKinnon barreling towards her. Lily couldn’t help but laugh as she met her friend halfway.

“I’m so sorry I haven’t been responding!” Emerald eyes met blue and she knew everything would be alright.

“I just wanted you to be okay! You are okay, right?”

“Yes, yes, I’m okay. I’m good….I’m…I’m really fine.” Lily pulled out of the hug, her hands sliding down Marlene’s arms and into her hands. “It’s been…weird.” That was putting it lightly, and Marlene saw right through it.

“We’re going to have girl’s night first thing when we get to our dorm and you’re going to talk about. It’s time you opened up and let it all out. You know that bottling it up is only going to make it worse, right?”

She had such good intentions. Marly never wanted to see anyone hurting, ever. She once skipped class to help a lost first year find theirs. She spent the summer knitting matching scarves for her and all the girls wear during Hogsmeade trips the summer going into third year. When Mulciber did those horrible things in fourth year to Mary, Marlene was the first one at her hospital bed.

But Lily’s idea of moving on was not talking about it. Severus did not deserve her time or her mental energy anymore. She refused to give it to him.

“I’ve missed you Marls,” she said instead. The other girls would side with her, she didn’t need to argue now.

“The girls already saved a spot for you. I know you have that big prefect meeting or whatever, but at least for now, you’re sitting with us, okay?”

Lily couldn’t help but grin, nodding her head. The blonde grabbed her hand, Lily grabbed her bags, and they bolted towards the train as it sounded the five minute warning horn. Her seat was in one of the last compartments, conveniently only four down from the prefect compartment.

“You found her!” Hestia exclaimed, dropping her copy of the Daily Prophet on her seat to tackle Lily in a hug.

“She found me.” Lily squeezed her friend back. “I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I know I’ve been a rotten fri-“

“Don’t fucking start with me, Lily.” Hestia’s brown eyes bore into her soul and Lily actually feared for a split second she was going to get hexed. “I know what you’ve been through. We all were there. You don’t have to pretend you’re just fine now. That was low. It was pathetic and cowardly. But I’ll be damned if we don’t help you come out on top of this. Now stop _apologizing_.” Mary, who was right behind Hestia waiting for her hug, nodded her head vigorously.

“We love you Lily. We’re here for you through thick and thin.” Lily didn’t know what to say, so she just took Hestia’s hand, sitting with her beside Mary. After a moment Marlene sat as well.

“My mum told me to open this with you all.” Lily pulled out the present, ripping off the paper. Inside the box was four bracelets. They weren’t fancy or anything, but they did have their names engraved on them. In that moment, it was so obvious. _Of course_ she belonged here. It was so obvious even her mother saw it.

She just hoped that feeling would last.


	3. The Hogwarts Express

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lily's train ride back to school doesn't go according to plan.

“I have to go to the Prefect meeting,” Lily sighed deeply, her head resting on Mary’s shoulder. She was showing them pictures from her trip to Venice. It looked so fun, and Mary couldn’t stop _beaming_ talking about it. Unfortunately, the meeting was about to start soon and Lily wouldn’t be late, she refused. Next year, she had a chance at becoming Head Girl and she wouldn’t miss that opportunity because of tardiness. Just as she stood, however, she heard a shout coming from the hall. At least she’d have an excuse.

The shouts grew louder the second she set foot outside of her compartment door. Her stomach churned when she saw his face. Lily stood frozen, watching the scene unfold in front of her. He looked thinner than usual. Paler, too. His grey eyes landed on her and he made a movement like he was going to push past his opponent to get to her, but the boy merely shoved him back.

“DON’T! Don’t even look at her!”

“Get off me, Potter. I have a right to-“ Lily hadn’t even recognized the boy as Potter. Something was off about him.

“No!” Potter sounded furious, holding out his arms to block Snape from getting any further. “No, you have no right to her. She’s not some prize to be won. She’s a person, and you hurt her!” He glanced towards his compartment for a moment. Snape appeared too stunned to do anything, but his fingers twitched on his wand at his side. Lily drew her own, a warning. Potter regained his train of thought, seeming to have strengthened his resolve. “You were supposed to be there for her. You were supposed to be her friend, and you hurt her. You were supposed to protect her but instead you tore her down! And you know that you, more than _anyone_ had that power. So, no. You don’t have a right to see her, to talk to her. Don’t even look at her because you lost that right!”

Her heart thudded in her chest and she stood there unable to move, to think for a few moments. How did he know all of this? How did he know exactly how it felt to be betrayed by the person who introduced her to magic? She’d never spoken to him for more than a few minutes and not about this. Never about this. Yet, here Potter stood defending her, not for show, it seemed, but because he actually seemed to understand the pain that was Severus’s betrayal. When she managed to pull herself back into reality, she saw Severus’s eyes boring into her own.

He wasn’t listening, she knew, from the way he stared at her. She had the strange feeling of being looked through, as if she were invisible. Hestia’s hands on her arms brought her back to life. Right. She should stop this, maybe?

“Potter, sit back down,” Lily murmured, unable to meet his eye. How had he known exactly how she felt? Potter had been able to spit out the exact rhetoric Lily would have had she not been frozen. God, she felt so stupid for that. Why didn’t she just give them both detention and be done with it? Why had she let him stare her down? He knew her too well still. He could read her face and he knew that she hasn’t been the same since that day by the lake. She couldn’t be that vulnerable around him. Around either of them.

Potter hesitated, as if contemplating starting a fist fight with Severus for a moment before actually _listening_. What was going on with him? But then someone sent a stinging hex and it was all over. He whipped back around.

“Stupefy!” Severus ducked, shooting his hex at James as he circled about him.

“Engorgio Skullus!” Potter’s head swelled up, but Black quickly negated that spell, jumping in beside his best friend. Before he could get in a disarming charm, Severus hurled his next hex.

“Baubillious!” Potter could handle his own, sure, but that was dark magic. That curse was designed to horribly damage something…or someone. He could send Potter to the hospital wing or worse. She acted without thinking, jumping in front of Potter and Black to protect them.

“Protego!” The hex dissolved into Lily’s shield. “ _Enough!”_ She spun around, her chest rising and falling with the breaths she took to regain hers. _“_ Potter, Black, don’t you _dare_ act like you’re fighting on _my_ behalf, I can more than hold my own against him. Snape…” Lily glanced over her shoulder now. He stood there bewildered, as if he were completely innocent in the whole affair. She scowled, vile rising in her throat at the sight. “Death Eater training takes place off school property.” With that, she brushed past them all, into the prefect’s cabin. From behind her, she could hear Hestia shouting something, but Lily decided to drown it out. The cabin door closed and it was silent.

Lily took in the compartment around her. The youngest prefects all sat with this nervous look in their eyes. Lily remembered that feeling; so grateful for the opportunity but so scared to mess it up. From her grade, she spotted Remus Lupin from Gryffindor, the Hufflepuffs Delia Johnson and Amos Diggory, the Ravenclaws Anayah Jecetti and Jacob Reynolds, and the Slytherin Angela Stokes. Of the seventh years, she vaguely recognized the Head Boy as the cute one she saw at the platform, and she knew Alice Prewett well. She’d dated last year’s Head Boy Frank. He was now an auror.

“Well, we’re still waiting on one more person.” Alice’s voice sounded like chimes.

“While we wait,” the Head Boy started, “why don’t we all introduce ourselves? I’ll start I-oh! Welcome, take a seat. We’re just beginning introductions.”

Snape pressed his lips together and nodded, taking a seat. She hadn’t even noticed him slip in. Looking at his expression, Lily could tell he was thrilled. What had Hestia said to the boys? It didn’t matter, did it? The fight was over. They both were in the wrong.

Though that wasn’t true. Potter had only been blocking Severus from speaking to Lily, at least from what she gathered. And Potter hadn’t thrown a single offensive spell, only defensive. Even Black refrained from his propensity towards Bat-Bogey hexes. Severus had started the fight. Severus had thrown all the offensive hexes. He almost injured a student. The student was Potter, but still. He was prefect.

She stared Severus down before looking to the Head Boy.

“Excuse me, are prefects _supposed_ to be fighting in the corridors? I just need a little clarification.” Lily set her hands on her lap, folded in front of her, cocked her head to the side, and crossed her legs.

“Uh-no? Miss…?”

“Evans,” she finished, smiling brightly.

“No, Miss Evans, that would be quite the conflict of interest.” Lily hummed at that answer, clearly satisfied with where this was going. Just as she was about to speak, the Head Boy cut her off. “I reckon this is a conversation for after our meeting, yeah? Stay behind, I’d love to hear what’s on your mind.”

Lily blinked back her surprise. From a more professional point of view she understood why he did it, but Lily was not interested in professionalism. Severus could have killed someone.

Maybe Potter didn’t deserve to be screamed at. Then again, maybe not. He was still a prick. Where did he get off pretending he was her great defender? When had he actually asked if she wanted to speak to Severus or not? She didn’t but that wasn’t the point.

The meeting continued.

“As I was saying,” The Head Boy remained calm and was smiling. If only Lily could have that poise. Somehow, the only thing she could focus on was staring daggers into Snape. What was it they say again? If you wish for something enough it’s bound to come true? “I’m Benjy. I’m from Ravenclaw, and I will be your Head Boy this year.”

Benjy. Benjy Fenwick. Her head snapped up. Now, Lily remembered him. He was funny and sweet based on the one time she had rounds with him. But he had a girlfriend. Amelia Bones. They were some kind of power couple, or so Marlene says.

“I’m Alice, Gryffindor, and I’ll be your Head Girl! Let’s have a great year!” So everyone went around the table to introduce themselves. The meeting passed by as it normally does. Introductions, gathering times tables, learning about activities, and the first tentative rounds schedule. Everyone was packing up their bags, but Lily stuck behind. “So a prefect was fighting in the halls?” Alice asked.

“Severus was, yes.” Lily looked between the two Heads. “He was dueling James Potter and Sirius Black joined in…I didn’t give them detention or any points. It seemed unfair when they were dueling a prefect.” She pursed her lips. And because they were defending her. To be fair, she never asked for their defense. She never asked them to keep Severus away from her, but that seemed like a more personal matter. “He used Baubillious, which…you know. Could actually severely hurt someone.” Lily dropped her head slightly, not wanting to look them directly in the eyes. “I think he’s potentially dangerous. “

“Dumbledore will know right away,” Benjy said, coming to sit next to her. “Are you alright? You seem…shaken up.”

 _A fair assessment,_ Lily thought. Her eyes drifted up slightly, looking over his expression. His forehead was bunched up and wrinkly as he appeared to be studying her as well. She felt naked under his gaze.

“I’m fine,” she promised, ducking her head.

“Even so,” Benjy stood now. “We have rounds together tonight. Let’s talk more then?” Did she have a choice? Lily nodded dumbly, moving to stand as well.


	4. Old Books and Vanilla

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The carriage ride to Lily's first run of prefect rounds with Benjy

The rest of the train ride passed quickly. Lily left the prefects’ cabin with flushed cheeks and oddly dreading rounds. These feelings about Benjy were confusing and new and she very much did _not_ want to think about them. Instead, she focused her attention on the girls, which in itself brought up some pretty uncomfortable feelings.

They said not to worry about this summer. They said they understood. They acted as if nothing had changed. Still, Lily couldn’t help but feel guilty. Apparently, Marlene had her first kiss that summer? She wrote to her, but Lily didn’t even bother to open the letter, too wrapped up in her own self-pity to be there at her friend’s big milestone. Hestia had been contacted over the summer and Potter asked her to be co-captain of the Gryffindor Quidditch Team. Mary had gone to _Venice_ and Lily had no idea. What kind of a friend just disappears like that?

She worried they were all masking their frustration at her. The girls had every right to be upset with her. Severus was just a mean boy who didn’t deserve the light of day from Lily anymore. Yet here she was mourning him as if a family member had passed away. It was like lead in the pit of her stomach. The feeling sat with her as they slowed to a stop.

Mary and Hestia were the first to leave, heaving their bags from overhead out the train with them. Marlene eyed her as the first two departed, her hand hovering over her luggage for a moment before sinking beside Lily who hadn’t moved.

“What’s wrong?” Lily couldn’t meet her eyes. She didn’t deserve her kindness.

“Marly, you should be mad at me.” She stretched her fingers over her knees and averted her gaze to the ceiling.

“Why on earth would I be mad at you?” Lily glanced towards the blonde out of the corner of her eye. Marlene was staring at her like she had five heads, but Lily suspected she already knew where this conversation was going by the way she blinked a few extra times and pressed her lips together into a tight line. Marlene was going to cry. And it was Lily’s fault.

“Friends are supposed to be there for your first kiss. Or your first time in a different country. Or for big accomplishments like Hestia’s! And I…” She sighed, dropping her head. “I wasn’t there.”

“Lily, you were _hurting._ You are hurting.”

“So?” She finally looked at her face-on. There was no point in denying the latter. Perhaps if she hadn’t frozen up in the corridor earlier, she could’ve fooled them, but Hestia was there and she no doubt told them. Marlene’s forehead wrinkled as she studied her friend.

“So? So, Lil, Snape called you the worst thing imaginable when all you tried to do was defend him. He didn’t deserve your defense and he hurt you in front of everyone.” Marlene took Lily’s arm, pulling her up. If they didn’t go now, they’d miss the carriages. Lily grabbed her bag and let her friend drag her along. They lowered their voices as they neared the crowd up ahead.

“But when Mulciber attacked Mary-“

“That was different. She was attacked. Being near others made her feel safe. You were betrayed. Being near people you love is hard because that tru-“

“Stop it! Alright? Stop pretending like you’re my psychologist or something.” Lily sounded harsh, but they were in public and drawing closer and closer to their peers. She didn’t want anyone to overhear _that_ conversation. Although, maybe her little outburst was more the problem. No one was paying attention before, but now she distinctly felt James Potter’s eyes burning into the back of her head.

“I’m just trying to help you, Lily,” Marlene offered a smile but Lily could see she’d done it. No, Marlene wasn’t hurt by Lily’s actions before, but she was hurt now.

“I know,” she whispered, stopping her friend and pulling her into a hug. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to lash out. You were right but I don’t think I’m ready to face those truths just yet. And we’re getting closer and Potter is staring, and…” Lily heaved a deep sigh, looking up at her. “Can we talk later? Just you and me?”

Whatever hurt Marlene was feeling just moments before seemed to have evaporated. 

“Yeah. Dr. McKinnon is always available for her favorite patients.” Lily groaned, linking arms with her as they continued their trek towards the carriages.

“You’re the worst, you know that?”

“Why’s she the worst?” Lily stiffened at Black’s voice. If Lily thought she didn’t want to face Benjy Fenwick, he was a welcome distraction to Sirius Black. But Marlene and Hestia were friends with him. Apparently, they used to play little league Quidditch in James Potter’s backyard or something like that.

“Because I cut into other people’s conversations,” Marlene grinned over at him, nudging him playfully. Sirius had the decency to look to apologetic.

“Right. Sorry, I just thought you should know we’re all getting butterbeers on the first Hogsmeade trip. You and Hes should come.” He glanced to Lily, and as an afterthought added, “Bring all the girls. It’ll be fun.” Lily smirked. Smooth save. Marlene said something, but Lily wasn’t paying attention anymore. The carriages were filling up and Mary and Hestia seemed to be waiting for them.

“Hey, we better go.” She tugged on Marlene’s hand, pulling her back to sit with the girls. Much to her dismay, Black and his friends saw it fit to join them on their carriage. It wasn’t necessarily that she disliked them. In fact, Remus was perfectly kind and funny once you got him speaking. They were something like friends. Peter was fine. She didn’t really know him that well. He seemed awkward, but so were most sixteen year olds, Lily reckoned.

No, the issue was Black appeared determined to act as if the whole scuffle from earlier never happened. On the other hand, Potter was dead silent, watching Lily. They barely even knew each other. Her only real interactions with him outside of class were earlier today and _that_ day. The sight of them already brought back flashes of boys hanging upside down, laughter from her classmates, _Go out with me Evans…_

 _Filthy little mudbloods like her_.

She looked away quickly. Now was not the time to get all worked up. There was no reason for it. Snape wasn’t worth her time. He wasn’t worth worrying over. At least, that was what she would tell herself until she believed it to be true. Lily felt like a giant fraud in that aspect. Remus tore her out of her thoughts.

“What NEWT-level classes are you taking?” Remus was her go-to study partner. The girls were all brilliant in classes but served as better distractions than study mates.

“Charms, Defense, Potions, Transfiguration, Herbology, and Care of Magical Creatures. I’m taking Ancient Runes too, but for fun. Not NEWT-level.” Lily tilted her head. “Are we going to have any classes together?” Remus laughed, shrugging his shoulder.

“Only about all of them. Except I refuse to take NEWT-level potions. Regular potions already kills me.” Lily beamed over at Remus, shaking her head fondly.

“You _know_ I would help you.” 

“Nah, Moony’s too stubborn to get help,” Peter said, a big toothy grin on his face. “He likes to suffer alone. More of a lone wolf if you might.” Black snorted and Potter coughed to hide a laugh. Lily fought hard to keep a straight face, instead feigning confusion. She glanced to the girls, as if the whole thing was way over her head.

“Well…” Lily felt like she was walking into a trap before Remus interrupted.

“They’re being prats,” He said, but his tone told her he thought it was very funny as well. She opened her mouth to respond when their carriage came to a halt.

Mary was the first one up, followed by Lily and James.

“Go ahead,” He gestured for Lily to go before him, his cheeks changing colors before her eyes. Embarrassment. That was new, for him. Without saying a word, she slipped past him. Her and Mary walked ahead of everyone else.

“I’ve missed you, Mare.”

“Oh, Lily,” Mary held her hand, squeezing twice. “I’ve missed you too. We all have.” Mary was always so sincere. Of all her friends, Mary was the softest, most unassuming soul. Spending time with her was nice because you could just _be_ , together.

They passed through the halls of Hogwarts ahead of the others. Both girls agreed getting to the Great Hall was of the utmost importance. The growling of Lily’s stomach voiced its’ agreement. Mary and Lily chose a spot in the middle of the long Gryffindor table with a large enough break in students for their friends to join them.

Sometimes Lily wished the sorting ceremony would happen _after_ the feast. Marlene and Hestia joined Mary and Lily, the boys sitting down the table from them just far enough that they could each hold their own conversations and talk to the girls if they so choose.

The first years all began filing in, each one looking more nervous than the next.

Lily remembered her sorting. Severus kept telling her to try to get into Slytherin, that Slytherin was the one she wanted. She also remembered her little argument with James Potter and Sirius Black on the train about Gryffindor. If she were honest, chivalry and bravery sounded a lot nicer than ambition and cunning, but she didn’t dare tell Severus that at the time. When she sat on the stool, the hat barely touched her head before sorting her into the house of the lions. The house where she met all her friends. The house that welcomed her like family.

Once the last first year took their seat at their house table, Dumbledore rose for his speech. Usually he had a lighthearted air about him, but this year he was somber. Given the current climate, she couldn’t blame him. He began by introducing the new Defense Against the Dark Arts professor, Professor Mary Bennet.

She was short and plump with dark skin and wore her hair with tight curls. As the professor stood at Dumbledore’s gesture, she smiled gracefully to the students before taking her seat again. Lily thought she seemed like a decent professor, although she felt bad because she had not yet seen one Defense Against the Dark Arts professor make it to their one-year anniversary. Maybe Professor Bennet would be the first, but she doubted it.

Dumbledore spoke again.

“I do not wish to keep you from our feast for much longer. However, I think it wise to remember the value of righteousness, solidarity, and friendship this year. As forces outside our walls turn sinister, one should never lose hope. Good will never face defeat as long as a single heart beats for love and for justice.”

Lily swallowed a lump in her throat. Muggleborns all over the country have been dropping like flies. Even worse were the attacks on Muggles. Helpless Muggles who had no protection against magic whatsoever. Everyday, she read The Daily Prophet with terror that this time it would be her town. Her family.

What if Petunia and her fiancé had been attacked? What if they never got the chance to make up?

Her father was a police officer. Lily already spent so much of her time worrying that he would not return home from a shift. And her mother was so sweet and gentle. She could never hurt a fly. What would happen if the wrong person stumbled into her boutique? What if Cokesworth were next?

She chanced a look towards her friends and Mary was tearing up. It was good to know she wasn’t alone. Mary was also a muggleborn, and the two never had to explain their fears to each other. They just understood.

Dumbledore started the feast, which served as a great distraction while they regained their composure.

Finally, Marlene cleared her throat, staring at Mary and Lily. She couldn’t stand the silence any longer.

“Reckon that Bennet lady will be any good?” She eyed the old woman, taking in her violet robes. Lily followed her gaze.

Professor Bennet was chatting amiably with Professor Flitwick, which Lily saw as a good sign. Professor Flitwick taught her favorite class and Lily got along with him quite well.

“Maybe. I think so. I hope so.” Lily shrugged a non-comital shoulder. “It’s hard to tell anymore. Every year I start to believe the position is cursed more and more.”

“Well, yeah,” Hestia laughed. “Anyone could’ve told you that.” Lily rolled her eyes, tossing a napkin across the table at her. Hestia snorted. “Ten points from Gryffindor for Prefect Evans’s temper.” Lily squealed with laughter, her eyes crinkling and throwing her head back. She had grown used to the looks she got for her laugh.

Mary’s lips twitched upwards, finally returning to the present.

“Twenty points to Gryffindor for Lily Evans’s perfect aim!” Mary followed suit with her own napkin flying into Marlene’s face.

“Oi! MacDonald!”

The girls laughed and joked with each other like that all night. Her worries melted away into the back of her mind.

By the time Lily had to leave for prefect rounds, all the girls in her dorm were sound asleep. Although she’d been fine most of the night, while getting ready she remembered who she was doing rounds with, and the strange feeling in her stomach when she saw him. Lily put on a little lipstick and some extra mascara. That helped to appease the butterflies for the moment.

She left through the portrait hole to meet up in the Great Hall for rounds only to bump head-first into the very man she was dreading to see. 

“I’m so sorry!” she yelped, gripping his arms to keep herself from stumbling over. He pulled her up carefully, resting his hands on his shoulders to help steady her.

“Hey, no harm done. You alright?” Lily nodded over her shoulder at him, desperately trying to hide the pink hue spreading along her face. That appeared to be enough of an answer for him. They began their patrol down in the direction towards the Hufflepuff common room.

Benjy Fenwick smelled like old books and vanilla, he nearly towered over Lily by a good six inches, and he had this smile that felt like a hug. Turns out he made a point to wait for her outside Gryffindor tower before their rounds, and when she asked about it, he explained it was just the right thing to do. The fluttering in Lily’s chest wished it was Alice she was doing rounds with instead.

_He has a girlfriend._

Not to mention, he was Head Boy. Plus, he would be graduating this spring so it wasn’t even like their relationship would ever last. She needed to get her head on straight because Benjy Fenwick was off the market.

“So, that talk we had to have?” In all of her fawning, she completely forgot the reason he scheduled her to have rounds with him. Lily hummed in recognition but didn’t say much more. She was too busy playing with a loose thread on her sweater. “Hey, Lily…”

“Yes?” Now she looked up at him.

“Hey, I know what he said to you last year. That was out of line, and if he so much as slips up once more, I’m going to give him detentions to last for all of his seventh year.” He paused, as if considering this. “As it is,” Benjy smirked. “He already has them for the entire month.”

He was trying to be sweet. He was trying to make her smile. Lily should have appreciated it, but all it did was serve to remind her of how different Hogwarts was without his friendship. Still, Lily wasn’t going to vocalize those thoughts. Not to _Benjy Fenwick_ anyway. Lily straightened up, took a deep breath, and nodded.

“Thank you. So Head Boy. Congratulations.” Benjy ducked his head, chuckling softly.

“Thank _you_. Rumor has it, you’re next. Not-not for Head Boy, I mean. For Head Girl.” Where did he hear that? From Dumbledore? Or just around the hallways? It must have been the latter, she decided. There was no way Dumbledore made that decision so early in the year.

“A girl can dream, yeah?” Lily shot him a bright smile. “But they also say Stokes might get it.” And why wouldn’t she? Her father was on Hogwarts’ Board of Governors. It would be silly to get her hopes up when the odds were clearly in favor of Angela Stokes.

“Don’t sell yourself short, Evans.” He was giving her that _smile_ again. It was like he was the sun and his smile was shining through the clouds, warming her in the midst of a chilly spring day.

Lily could have rolled her eyes at herself. When did she get so poetic? Right. Around Benjy Fenwick, apparently. Honestly, she didn’t even know the boy that well! Earlier that day, she didn’t even know his name. Still, he was cute and she knew enough about him to know they would get on well. She wanted to get to know him better. She wanted to befriend him, at least. That was harmless, right?

“So, Gobstones club?” Lily started conversationally, letting the previous topic die out. She stopped to check inside a classroom before continuing on. Benjy had mentioned it during the Prefect meeting as a potential time conflict. Apparently, he was president. “What is that, exactly?” When she looked back at him, he was bright pink.

“Merlin, I knew someone would say something….” He heaved a deep sigh before considering Lily. “I didn’t think it would be you, though. You’re supposed to be the nice one.” Lily’s ears turned the color of her hair, but she was lost. Say something about what?

“Hey! I am nice!” She poked his shoulder. “And don’t you ever deny it! I don’t see the big deal, I asked you a simple question.”

Benjy blinked in surprise. He seemed to have just realized she really didn’t know what Gobstones was.

“Wait, what?”

“What?” Lily couldn’t help but laugh at his dumbfounded expression.

“Sorry, just usually people don’t think Gobstones is very cool,” Benjy explained.

“Well, I can’t really judge that without knowing what it is, now can I?” Lily nudged him playfully. “You said it yourself, I’m the nice one. Spill?” He slowed to a stop.

“Okay, so here’s the thing. I can’t just _tell_ you what it is.” Benjy shrugged a shoulder. “It sounds lame when you explain it. You’ve gotta play it to give it a fair shot.” Lily snorted.

“You know you sound ridiculous right now?”

“Yeah, I know. So? Will you give it a shot?” Lily blinked, confused by the question.

“How will I play it if I don’t know what it is?” Benjy’s eyes widened as he realized the reason behind her confusion.

“Oh, well, I thought-uh- maybe you would come to Gobstones club? It’s this Thursday.” He hesitated. “You don’t have any rounds that day.” Oh! Benjy was inviting her to join his club! Lily’s lips quirked up in a small smile.

“Yeah, that sounds fun. Thursday at what ti-“

“At six.” Benjy turned away from Lily quickly, walking fast to catch up to where they were supposed to be on rounds instead of chatting. Lily sprinted to catch up with him.

The rest of the night went by slowly. It was only the first night so the only real trouble they encountered was a rambunctious second year who claimed they were only trying to find the bathroom. Lily and Benjy were able to return them to their dorms with only deducting five points from Gryffindor for their little stunt.

She turned as the second year went in before her.

“Hey? Rounds with you are fun. I hope we can have more sometime,” Lily couldn’t read Benjy’s expression, but he said,

“Me too, Lily.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter is so long! It kind of got away with me. It might be a while until I update again while I finish my finals but don't worry, chapter four will be up soon enough. In the mean time, I might have a surprise cooking.


	5. Guilt and First Kisses

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Marlene finally tells the story of her first kiss. The students have their first DADA class

Lily sat at lunch the next day, piling her plate high with mashed potatoes. She thought she had heard Hestia murmur something like _ you wouldn’t be so hungry if you didn’t sleep past breakfast all the time _ , but she’d elected to ignore that. There was no way Lily would be getting up any earlier than she had to, especially not after rounds.

What did Benjy mean when he said “me too”? He was looking at her like it held some deep meaning or something and she didn’t know if she should be leaping for joy or hiding away forever. 

“There it is! That face again!” Lily groaned, pushing Marlene’s hand down from pointing at her face. Marlene and Hestia were giggling beside each other.

“I’m not making a face,” she said, perhaps a little too defensively.

“Please, Lily,” Mary rolled her eyes. “Ever since you came back from rounds last night, you’ve been making  _ that face _ , and I  _ suspect _ you’re hiding something from us.”

“What  _ face _ ? This is just my face!”

“Sure it is.” Marlene twirled her hair in her fingers, grinning at her friends. “And my first kiss was no big deal..” Lily’s head snapped in her direction.

“What?! Marlene! You can’t be holding that over my head! Nothing happened at rounds last night! I mean it!” Lily stared with her eyes wide, quite literally pleading with Marlene. “Please tell me about your first kiss! You have to! If you don’t it’s…it’s…treason! If you don’t tell me about your first kiss, it’s treason.” 

Marlene snorted. “You’re so dramatic.” Lily shrugged, perhaps she was. That didn’t change the fact that one of her best friends had their first kiss, and Lily didn’t even know who it was with. “I’ll tell you,” Marlene sighed. 

Relief flooded Lily’s veins. Marlene would tell her about her first kiss that Lily felt so guilty about not knowing about.

“But only after you tell us what happened on rounds.”

If the word smug had to take a physical form, it would be Marlene just then as she took a bite of her biscuit and flipped her blond locks over her shoulder. Lily scowled. That was low, luring her in like that.

“You’re evil, McKinnon. Dreadful, rotten.” Marlene seemed to take that as a compliment, sitting up tall with a glint in her eyes.

“I do my best.” And now Hestia and Mary were watching Lily expectantly.

She’d been led right into their trap. The only problem was that nothing  _ had  _ happened during rounds last night. She and Benjy held a perfectly normal conversation, they did their jobs, and he walked her back to her dorm. Sure, maybe it was a little more fun than usual, but Benjy Fenwick made good company. They were becoming friends, what was there to say about that? Lily heaved a deep sigh before delving into the events of the night previous.

“Oh my God, Lily!” Mary was grinning from ear to ear. “ _ Nothing happened!  _ Yeah, right! He asked you out!” With burning ears Lily shook her head profusely. All the girls all chattered about how she was hiding the fact she had a date!

“You don’t…he…guys, he has a  _ girlfriend _ .” Silence. “Amelia Bones. And they’re, I don’t know- really in love, from what I heard.” Suddenly the loose string on her jumper was the most fascinating thing in the world. “It was only a friendly invitation.” When had the air gotten so dry? 

Marlene narrowed her eyes. “But I thought I saw Amelia and Amos together?” They were really trying to lift her spirits, weren’t they?

“Yeah, they’re best friends, Marls. They have been since day one.” Lily took a deep breath, smiling at the girls as she tried to portray some semblance of being okay. “Hey, it’s okay.” 

Marlene gave her a look that plainly said “as if”. 

“There are plenty of boys in this school,” Lily continued. “Besides, he’s graduating, it’s not like we’d really last.” She pulled her hair behind her ear self-consciously since Marlene had made it perfectly clear to the girls that their friend was not okay. She was trying to be. It was hard to see someone you fancy so oblivious to your feelings for them. It was even harder to hold a semi-professional relationship with them. Now that Mary and Hestia stared at her with pity as well, Lily decided to change her tactic. She would focus on the illusion of acceptance. Biting her lip, Lily forced a lopsided smile before composing herself, leaning forward. “Now. I believe you owe me a story?” 

Marlene pursed her lips together, glancing to Hestia and Mary.

“Well now I feel bad…” That was the last thing Lily wanted her to feel. 

“No, really, it’s okay. You didn’t know. I’m crushing on him pretty bad but it’s fine. Tell me about this first kiss!” Marlene looked unconvinced, but she sighed and nodded anyways. 

“Hurry up and eat your potatoes, we have Defense in ten minutes.” 

Said potatoes sat on Lily’s plate untouched. She gestured for Marlene to continue while she scooped up a spoonful. “Okay, so his name is Jacques. He’s in our year at Beauxbatons, and he was on holiday with his brother, Alain. Al has some kind of apprenticeship with The Daily Prophet so Jacque’s in Diagon Alley all the time. I mean, he’s living there. Well Mum loves Florean Fortesque, you know that. Dad did too. So Mum offered me up as an ice cream girl this summer and I liked the extra cash, so I did it. Well, who walks in but this totally hot guy. I’m blushing. He’s blushing. I take his order, and Uncle Florean is watching me and  _ laughing _ ! He’s actually laughing because he knows me too well and I want to just shrivel up and die there because  _ he asks him out for me _ !” 

Lily nearly choked on her potatoes from laughing so hard. Hestia and Marlene, who Lily knew had heard the story before, were losing it beside her. She could tell it was a source of much amusement this summer.

“And he said..?”

“Well, he said yes! And so that night, we went on a walk around Diagon Alley, looked at Quidditch stuff, and we had dinner by going to a bunch of different cafes and trying their desserts, and…” Marlene sighed happily, cheeks rosy and blue eyes bright. “And I hate long distance.”

A burst of warmth from Lily’s chest spread throughout her limbs. Marlene had more than her first kiss; she had her first boyfriend. And Lily had no idea. That warmth was replaced by a sudden twinge in her heart. Had Lily completely neglected one of her best friends right when she found her first love?

“The kiss, Marly! We only have a few minutes!” Hestia reminded Marlene.

“Oh, right! So we..wait, what time is it?” Lily shook her head, wanting to ignore the clock. How could she have gone for so long without hearing this story? What kind of a friend was she? 

“No, don’t worry about the time! You have to finish your story!” Lily could not go to class and just not know about Marlene’s first boyfriend! Not when the story was just starting to get interesting. Not when the guilt was bubbling in her veins, making her foot tap with restlessness. 

“It’s only five til, Lils.” Mary was pulling her bag over her shoulder, a half-smile toying on her lips. Now, Lily felt guilty and betrayed. As the other two got up and gathered their things, Lily jumped up. 

“That’s plenty of time to finish the story!” she cried. 

“We’ll walk and talk!” Marlene called over her shoulder, leaving Lily with only one option but to run after her, pulling her bag along as she followed suit.

Her footfalls quieted as she finally caught up with the girls. “I’m walking! Start talking!”

Marlene just laughed, rolling her eyes. “Bit bossy today, are you?” 

Lily stared at her in disbelief. How could she just blow this off as if it were no big deal? Were first kisses no big deal? What about first boyfriends? It wasn’t like Lily had any reference for any of that, but given how the entire rest of the world treated them...and it was Marly! Marlene McKinnon’s first kiss, the biggest hopeless romantic she knew. Marlene McKinnon’s first relationship and it was long distance! Of  _ course _ it was a big deal! So why did she run away from her questions? 

“ _ Marly!  _ You got set up by Florean Fortesque with a French boy who was your first kiss,  _ and _ he took you dessert hopping! You can’t just leave me hanging here! Please tell me more?” Lily was starting to think this was some kind of sick punishment for not responding to her letters. Judging by the snickers of Mary and Hestia, she felt justified in that opinion.

“I know, I know! Okay,” Marlene agreed. “So we finished our third dessert and I was getting full, but we didn’t want to end the date.” Lily was hanging onto every word as they climbed the three flights of stairs to the Defense classroom. “So he suggested we go look around in shops. He’s a keeper-“

“I’ll say,” Hestia quipped. Lily was getting antsy. They were already on the second floor and the classroom wasn’t far from the stairs.

“Guys,” she whined, over Marlene and Mary’s giggles.  _ Ignore them and keep talking! _ She wanted to grab Marlene’s shoulders and beg her to finish the story, even if it meant skipping class 

Lily settled in taking her hand as an attempt to butter her up. Marlene’s thumb ran over Lily’s knuckles for a split second before dropping her hand.

“Lils, calm down. I’ll finish the story after class if I don’t finish it now.” Her voice was soothing, but Marlene had definitely found her frustration amusing.

Lily huffed. “But Marlene. If you tell me now I’ll be able to focus during class instead of being left with a cliff-hanger! Don’t you want me to succeed?”

“As if you aren’t already successful?” Since when did Mary get sassy?

“Alright, calm down,” Marlene laughed. “So we got talking about Quidditch and we both were really excited to go look around. And we got to talking Quidditch teams and it turns out they sell tickets to games at the shops. He asked me on a second date to see the Appleby Arrows. I said yes, and we had our second date a week later.” 

“Wait, you didn’t have your first kiss on your first date with him?” Lily asked. There was no way they were going to finish this story before class began!

“No, it wasn’t until our third.” 

Lily groaned. “Why didn’t you start by telling me that? Promise we won’t go to bed tonight until you finish this story?” She even held out her pinky to be promised on. Marlene’s face lit up at the gesture.

Pinky promises traced back to first year, when the girls met for the very first time. They were put in the same dorms and spent the entire first night getting to know each other. They talked about everything from how they found out they were magic, to family, to favorite colors, and hobbies. They also talked about how they'd never lived with any roommates before. Mary had said something about roommates fighting sometimes and that scared her because she didn’t want to fight with people she lived with. Hestia said she heard roommates are supposed to be your best friends. Lily confided that her best friend was her sister, Petunia, and they were fighting right now.

That was when Marlene said that they would be different. They would be best friends, roommates,  _ and _ they wouldn’t fight. And if they started to, they would have to sit and talk it out, like her mummy always said to. All the girls liked that idea, but they had to make it official. 

They did so with a pinky promise. Pinky promises then become something of a secret handshake for them, so when Lily held out her pinky, how could Marlene resist? “Of course, you silly girl!” Marlene exclaimed, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. All four of them linked pinkies just outside the Defense classroom before taking their seats within.

This year, Defense was with the Hufflepuffs and thank goodness because Lily wasn’t sure she could handle another Defense class with Slytherin. Learning to combat the Dark Arts beside her peers who practically worshiped the Dark Arts, beside her peers who wanted to use those Dark Arts  _ against _ Lily, became a little much at times. Comparatively, most of the Hufflepuffs either wanted to fight against Voldemort’s growing regime or they’d swore to stay out of it completely. 

Lily was starting to think the latter was just as bad. Compliance in the face of injustice is cowardice and privilege in disguise. Thankfully, most NEWT-level Hufflepuffs had the same thought process. 

She recognized Delia Johnson and Amos Diggory as fellow prefects, smiling kindly to them as she walked past them. Corvin Abbott, Victoria Jenkins, and Matthew Roe sat together towards the front of the classroom. They were all friendly enough, but the girls didn’t really know any of them outside of class. Scanning the other half of the room, Lily beelined for a seat nearby a fellow Gryffindor. 

Remus Lupin sat with three different books in front of and behind him as placeholders for the rest of his friends. It wasn’t unusual to see the mousy-haired boy in class before his friends. He made something of a habit of arriving to class before the doors opened. Sometimes Lily would have to wait outside the classroom while he spoke to the professors. She was pretty confident she knew what about, but Lily would never tell a soul. Remus might not even know that she knew his secret, although she did make a point to bring him potions once a month to help with the side effects of his affliction. Whether he just assumed Lily was worried about a classmate with a chronic illness or otherwise, he had never spoken a word about it. 

She sat in front of Remus, hoping to chat with him before class began. Hestia took a seat beside Lily, quirking an eyebrow at Remus’s attempts to save seats for  _ The Marauders _ , as they liked to call themselves.

“You know everyone knows you’re holding those seats for the guys with or without placeholders, right?” Hestia asked. 

Remus’s head shot up and he shrugged, giving an exhausted smile. “Probably should by now, shouldn’t I?” 

Lily snorted, turning around in her seat more to look at him face-on. “Peter?” she asked. 

His expression said it all. Sometimes when Remus and Lily had rounds together, they would get to talking about their friends. Peter was always looking for validation from his friends and something as simple as saving a spot for him really boosted his morale.

As if on cue, the blonde boy entered the classroom, trailing behind James Potter and Sirius Black. Lily watched as Peter’s face lit up at the realization a seat was being held for him and sat with Sirius at the desk beside Remus, just behind Mary and Marlene. James sat behind Lily, to the other side of Remus. He offered Lily a smile before pulling out his parchment and quill.

“Hello class!” Lily spun back around in her seat, sorting through her supplies to take notes. The professor smiled to the class. Today she was wearing an ivory-colored dress suit which struck Lily because it reminded her of home. 

_ She must be a muggleborn too. _

“My name is Professor Bennet. This year we’ll be going over a mixture of defensive theory and practical defense. Since we have class three times a week, we will have a mixture of practical and theory classes. Mondays will be theory to prepare us for Fridays. Thursdays will depend upon need, but we will try to focus on practical lessons to give you practice for the real world. Now, we don’t have very much time as I want to get the ball rolling so tomorrow, we can really dive in on our first topic, but I would like to tell you a little about myself before we begin.”

She fiddled with a button on her sleeve before hopping onto the desk that sat at the front of the room and swung her legs. Professor Bennet had this air of openness about her that Lily admired. Something about her felt familiar. Although the woman was elderly, her mannerisms were youthful. When she spoke, her eyes met with each and every students’.

“I graduated from Hogwarts a long time ago. My husband retired a few years back, but he was an auror for thirty-five years. Together we have three children, all of whom are wonderful and talented in their own way. I, myself, retired from being a strategic director at the aurors’ office in order to teach here.”

Her smile faded, and she leaned forward as if to stress the importance of her next words.

“I have dealt with some of the harshest crimes known to any wizard or witch in the last two decades. I see the dangers rising outside of these walls. I refuse to let any of you leave this classroom without gaining the skills necessary to defend yourself. If I am hard on you, it’s because I care. If I stress too much theory, it’s because I want you to understand the mechanics so that you will be able to defend yourself in the worst possible circumstances.”

Lily swallowed back the lump in her throat. Professor Bennet was different from any of her other professors. She really hoped the position wasn’t cursed.

“So now that I’ve sufficiently made the whole room feel like jelly…” There were a few muffled laughs around the classroom. Professor Bennet pushed off the desk, clasping her hands together. Her smile graced her features again, her eyes crinkling with warmth. “Now, our first topic is nonverbal spells…”

Hestia shared a glance with Lily, nodding her approval. Looking at her best friend, Lily beamed at the realization of just who Professor Bennet reminded her of. The lecture continued.

“Now, in theory, what spells are easiest to perform nonverbally? Yes?” She pointed to a Hufflepuff boy in the front. “What’s your name, dear?”

“Corvin Abbott, Professor.” Professor Bennet nodded for him to continue and answer the question. Corvin took a breath, visibly nervous. He always earned high marks, and Lily suspected he was worried about giving a wrong answer. “It would be the most simplistic spells, because they’re easy to perform and require very little effort.”

Lily couldn’t help but make a face at that answer. That made no sense. Accidental magic is nonverbal, but the kind of magic Lily performed as a child was far from simplistic. She’d been able to make flowers bloom and fly. Both were far from simple.

Professor Bennet wrote that on the board. “Brilliant work, Corvin, five points to Hufflepuff.”

Lily was losing her faith in this new professor.

“That doesn’t make sense,” said a voice behind her. She looked over her shoulder to see Potter raising his hand for-what-show? Show, Lily surmised, for no one had called on him. Professor Bennet didn’t seem to mind.

“And why not, James?” 

His hand flew to his hair, and he glanced to Remus who sat there stifling a laugh. How did she know his name already? To be fair, Potter always did know how to make an impact.Maybe they’d run into each other before class. 

“Erm,  _ Professor _ , that doesn’t make sense because growing up all my accidental magic was caused by emotions. Simplistic spells don’t usually hold very much emotional weight. For me, at least. I don’t know, maybe Accio fills you with complete euphoria, but…” He trailed off.

“Yes! Perfect counter-argument James! Raise your hand next time, yeah? Five points to Gryffindor.”

That was an impressive analysis. She was biased, of course, because that had been her exact thought process...almost verbatim. Realizing she was staring, Lily flashed James a quick smile. Remus’s eyes bore into her back as she swished right around in her seat to focus back on the lecture.

“Now there are many spells, hexes, charms, what have you, that require emotional connections. Last year, you all studied one. A patronus, yes?” A few heads nodded, some students whispered amongst themselves.

Lily’s insides shriveled at the reminder of last year’s classes. They had only discussed the theory of patronuses and while her and her friends tried to produce one, only Hestia could get anything more than a shield. If she was going to ask the whole class to perform a patronus, she would be sorely disappointed. If Hestia couldn’t get it, no one could.

“Now, can we all think of another form of emotional magic? There are no wrong answers, as long as you can provide a valid defense.”

Sirius Black raised his hand. He seemed a bit timid, which was unlike him.

“Any spell, given the proper circumstances? Like…like dueling can be emotional?” Sirius’s Adam’s apple bobbed up and down as he swallowed, refusing to meet the professor’s eyes. Lily blinked at the realization that this was a personal topic for Sirius. It couldn’t have had to do with what happened on the train, could it? Although, he had seemed oddly passionate during that fight. She had heard rumors of something happening between him and his brother lately too. Someone mentioned it before class started during her Charms period. Was that what this was about?

Regulus was known for being much more reserved than his older brother. Lily didn’t know much about either Black brother, only that they used to talk in the hallways sometimes but more recently the two fought. Well, that was a bit of a lie. She knew Regulus was in the Slug Club. And that he hung around Snape a lot. Her lips pressed together in a tight line as she studied Sirius.

If anyone could understand difficult sibling relationships, it was Lily. Maybe she would talk to him later about it, as a concerned prefect. The other part of Lily wondered if maybe it were better to leave well enough alone. Sirius wasn’t looking at the professor and his friends were very carefully eyeing their peers. It was like staring down a mother bear protecting her young. Message received.

Lily tore her eyes away from Sirius and his friends, instead watching how Professor Bennet took a step closer to Sirius’s desk, wearing an expression Lily couldn’t read. It wasn’t sympathy, but that was the only word Lily could think to describe it. Pride, maybe? Surely word had gotten around of the whole fight on the train, but that didn’t make much sense did it? What professor would be proud of their students dueling? Even if it was to stick up for their peers? It must be something different. No matter the case, Sirius Black clearly did not want his classmates to know anymore than they already did, and Professor Bennet was keen to keep whatever understanding they had between the two of them.

“Precisely, ten points to Gryffindor.” Professor Bennet turned her attention back to the whole class. “Now, Sirius here brought me right to my point. We’re going to be dueling non-verbally for our first unit. Now your homework for tomorrow is to write up two lists! The first will be a list of safety rules for dueling in the classroom. Don’t worry we won’t be dueling each other tomorrow, I’ll have dummies out for you all to test your best nonverbal spells. Which brings me to your second list, a list of dueling spells we will practice nonverbally. Nothing too destructive for class, this is  _ Defense  _ Against the Darks Arts, afterall.” She nodded to class, meeting everyone’s eyes once again as if ensuring they were all on the same page. “Alright, I’m going to end a little early to let you get started on those lists. Please, if you have any questions, I’m available now to answer them!”

Lily turned to Hestia, her eyebrows raised. She loved this professor!

“I know,” her friend laughed, gathering up her supplies and nodded for Lily to do the same. “I think she might be the only professor we have that realizes there’s a world outside of here.”

“That’s not true, Slughorn likes to collect future stars like Lils here so that he can be all powerful and shit,” Marlene said, popping a hip out as she waited for the girls to finish getting their things together. Lily rolled her eyes, pushing her chair in and looping her bag over her shoulder.

“It’s called making connections,” was her exasperated reply. “It’s actually very common with muggles. I go to these parties now with all these big fancy potioneers and charm-makers he brings in and I get an apprenticeship right after graduation. It helps us too.”

“She’s just mad she didn’t get an invite,” Hestia teased. Marlene snorted, turning the corner and hopping down the steps on their way out towards the greenhouses.

Mary linked arms with Lily as they exited the classroom, beaming at her best friend. “I got an invite. This summer,” she confessed. Lily gasped, squeezing Mary’s hands.

“We can go to the parties and get ready together!” The two girls giggled to themselves while the other two waited for them at the bottom of the stairs.

“So, since we have extra time, do you wanna hear the rest of my first kiss story?” The answer was, of course, yes.

The four settled near the greenhouses in the grass while they waited for class to start. Marlene twiddled with her hair as she thought back on what details she’d already and told and what details were left behind. Finally, after what felt like a century, she sat up straighter and put on what Lily supposed was her storytelling face. Whatever made her happy, right?

“So I told you he took me dessert hopping and then we went to see the Appleby Arrows? Right, so at the game- they lost to the Wimbourne Wasps, people were really upset. Anyways, so at the game, we’re sitting together, and he does the yawn thing and his arm is on my shoulder. And my heart is pounding out of my chest but when I put my head on his shoulder, I can hear his heart too and it’s just as fast as mine!” Marlene’s cheeks were flushed and Lily felt so much joy for her friend in that moment. She was happy, and falling in love, and  _ glowing. _

“My gosh, Marls, I’ve never seen you like this before, like actually gushing.”

“Oh, just wait. Tell her about what he asked!” Hestia nudged Marlene, who dropped her head for a moment before looking overhead. 

Scarlet hues took over her complexion.“I’m not there yet! Don’t rush me, Hes!” 

Lily laughed, shaking Hestia’s shoulders playfully and tugging her to sit closer to her while she listened.“No spoilers, shh!”

Glancing back towards the greenhouses to see the Herbology professor enter the classroom, Marlene knew her time was running out.

“So we’re cuddling the whole game. After it’s over, we stop by the concessions and we get a load of chocolate frogs and have them race. I think the total was 12? We looked crazy ordering them. The shop keeper was staring at us, and we couldn’t stop laughing. So he pulls me to the sidewalk right next to the stadium and we sit. He pulls out a frog box and gives it to me and then he’s got one. We count to three and open the box. The one with the farthest hop wins. If it clings to someone’s clothing you get bonus points. I’m laughing so hard I’ve got tears running down my face, he’s doubled over, halfway through we’re placing bets. Like if his wins, I have to get up and dance and stupid stuff.” 

The Herbology classroom door opened for students to file in.

“We’re down to the last two frogs to race, and he puts his hand on mine before I can open my box.” Marlene mimics the movement, clasping her hand over Lily’s. “And I want to call him a cheater, but before I can, he asks me if his frog wins, will I be his girlfriend?” 

Lily squealed, squeezing Marlene’s hand. Jacques was smooth. “What did you say? Please tell me you said yes! You said yes, right?”

Marlene’s face was red again, but this time with laughter.“Lils! Calm down, I’m about to tell you!” 

But Lily was excited. Maybe she was the real hopeless romantic of the group? Mary and Hestia were watching her, just as amused at Lily’s reactions to Marlene’s story as Lily was to the story itself. 

“I told him, deal, but if my frog won, he had to take me on another date.”

Lily gaped. “Wait, but you said you were boyfriend and girlfriend and had three dates before he kissed you!”

Marlene smirked, nodding. “We called a truce and ate the frogs instead. The next day he came to Fortescue’s and asked me if I wanted to go on a date after work. I told him he was silly because of course I did. I hadn’t stopped thinking about him the entire day. I still can’t stop thinking about him. Anyways, so Uncle Florean overhears and sends me home early, which I still can’t get over? We were slow and all, but not nearly that slow.”

Mary was shaking her head. “That’s because Florean thinks of you as a daughter, we all know that.” 

Hestia propped her head up on her hands, laying on her stomach. “He’s ready for you to get hitched so he can walk you down the aisle.” 

Marlene rolled her eyes. “Anyways! So he’s holding my hand and we walk around for a bit. He finally stops me in front of a wishing fountain and says he’s never felt like this before. I told him me neither. And he’s leaning in and I know it’s happening and I’m freaking out but I’m so excited. And he leans in more, and I gain my train of thought enough to pull my arms around him, and we kiss. And it’s soft and way quicker than I wanted it, but then he does it again. And it lasted longer and it’s somehow sweeter than before. And it was perfect until I tripped and fell into the fountain.”

Whatever ending Lily was expecting, it was not that one. Hestia and Mary burst into fits of laughter, Mary even toppling backwards into the grass with her giggles. Lily blinked at Marlene, trying to figure out if this was a prank or not, but Marlene was anything but smug now. She was giggling too, a sheepish glow spreading across along her face. And now it was Lily’s turn to break, joining Mary on the grass, her squeals echoing throughout the grounds.

“I hope my first kiss is just as cute and embarrassing,” Lily breathed, staring up at the clouds. Their laughter settled into long sighs, and all four of them lay with their hands linked. Any second now they would have to go to Herbology, and the classroom was almost full. They probably wouldn’t be able to sit beside each other for this class. But for that one moment, nothing mattered. For that one moment, Lily thought the world was perfect. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter couldn't have happened without help from my amazing friend Jessica! She's started a companion fic and it's posted on FFN and Tumblr right now. If she ever gets an AO3 I'll make sure to update you all. For now you can find it under Growing Pains by HedwigandHarry on FFN and on Infiniteinmyownlittleworld's Tumblr page.  
> Check out my Tumblr, username: Solstilla for little snippets as I keep writing :)


	6. Gobstones and Strawberries

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Benjy takes Lily to Gobstones club. The night becomes a little more than she bargained for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special thanks to Infiniteinmyownlittleworld and Midnightelite for beta-ing this chapter, and AlrightGinger for your amazing advice! I'm so lucky to have you guys <3
> 
> So sorry this chapter took so long to update! I have the next one ready, so I'm hoping to post it within two weeks! Updates may continue to be slower than before, though, as I'm juggling a few projects and some personal stuff. Hope you enjoy this next chapter!!!

Gobstones club met every Thursday night at seven, but Benjy had told her six. When he showed up outside her common room, dressed in a spring blue button-up shirt with a blazer and suit pants, Lily couldn’t help but stare. He looked  _ fancy. _

Not to say that Lily hadn’t dressed up a little as well. Her mother’s boutique offered a variety of different dresses that sometimes Lily would get to model. She decided to wear her favorite one from this summer tonight: pink and floral with short ruffle sleeves and a flowing skirt. Lily found comfort in the fact that she wasn’t the only one staring. Benjy’s eyes travelled up and down before finally landing on her eyes and determinedly staying there. 

“Ready to go?” She chewed on her cheek, trying to keep her wits about her, but she honestly felt like she was melting under the gaze of Benjy Fenwick. So lost in her thoughts, Lily hadn’t even heard his question until his hand found its way to her shoulder. “Lils? Ready to go?” 

Lily blinked owlishly up at him before nodding a bit too enthusiastically. “Yes, Gobstones club, yeah?” 

Benjy offered his arm, to which Lily took gladly.  _ It’s not a date, Lily. It’s not a date. He’s club president and it’s the first meeting of the year. Of course he’s dressed nicely. _

“Well, the club doesn’t start until seven, and I don’t have to be there to set up until six-thirty, so I was wondering if maybe you wanted a snack?” he asked, holding up his Head Boy badge. “Perk of the gig.” 

Lily laughed softly, thinking now might not be the best time to admit she’d snuck into the kitchens far too many times to count. The house elves knew her by name, and were happy to help her make the usual-hot cocoa with cinnamon. Sometimes Mary joined, too. 

“Your secret is safe with me,” Lily said, winking at him as they headed towards the staircase. “So…”

Benjy chuckled, scratching his head for a moment as he looked around. “So…” 

Lily bit her lip, trying to find the words-any words-to talk to him. All she could think was that he looked so handsome tonight and that he’d  _ stared  _ at _ her.  _ Now she wished maybe Gobstones could start a little sooner so that she could have something to distract her instead of fawn over the boy whose arm she was on. Why had he picked her up so early? Couldn’t she have just come at the club meeting time? Although, Benjy had this overly chivalrous attitude where he insisted on picking her up. She’d known that since rounds last week. She could see that in action at that very moment as he placed her hand to rest on his very muscular bicep. 

_ He has a girlfriend, Lily Marie. Stop thinking about him like that. _

The silence felt like a weight pressing on her chest. Was silence the culprit or perhaps something else? Anxiety? Longing? Heartbreak? Lily couldn’t dwell on it. 

“Erm.” She cleared her throat. “ _ So. _ What exactly are we getting in the kitchens?” Benjy breathed out a long sigh, a smile returning to his face. When had it slipped off? 

“Well, rumor has it, you’ve got a thing for chocolate strawberries?” Lily’s face lit up. 

“Strawberries in general, but yes.” As the silence lifted, so did her anxieties. However, one question still ate away at her. She’d better use her bravery while she still had it. “How come you picked me up so early? I could’ve met you in the classroom?”

“Heh, yeah.” Benjy looked away from her for a moment. Lily wondered if maybe she shouldn’t have asked. “Is ‘it’s how I was raised’ a good enough answer? I wouldn’t want you to have to walk alone at night, even if it is in the castle?” 

Lily was sure it had to do with the fact that she was a muggleborn too, but she would allow it to remain unspoken. Benjy was sweet to recognize the fear Lily felt walking through the halls alone sometimes. She realized with him standing there, she wasn’t gripping her wand, ready for the next attack flung at her. Her jaw wasn’t clenched, her shoulders weren’t stiff. Benjy would have her back, and even if she hadn’t realized it consciously until now, she’d appreciated it more than she could express. 

“It’ll suffice,” Lily said, sparing a cheeky grin at him as they reached the kitchens. Before Benjy had the opportunity, Lily reached out and tickled the big green pear. It transformed into a door knob, which Lily turned and let them both in, completely at home in the kitchens. 

“Miss Lily! Your usual?” asked a tiny little creature with big ears and giant brown eyes. Lily recognized her as Posey. Dipping down to get to Posey’s level, Lily shook her head softly. “Not today, but thank you, Miss Posey. We were hoping there were some chocolate strawberries maybe leftover from dessert or something?”

Posey looked perplexed that Lily wouldn’t want hot cocoa as always, but she recovered quickly. Lily loved Posey. Sometimes Lily would venture down to the kitchens just to have a chat with her. 

They would talk about just about everything. Posey was always donning eccentric outfits, but they always looked good somehow, even when they didn’t match. They would talk about fashion, and how Lily’s mother owned a dress boutique. They laughed about the antics of Lily’s classmates and Posey’s coworkers. Sometimes they’d talk about more serious matters, like the war brewing outside the Hogwarts walls.

When Snape called her a mudblood, Lily found herself in the kitchens for just a place to cool down, and Posey was right there by her side. She understood, Posey told her, because sometimes people would call her means names for being a house-elf. Lily hadn’t even thought of it like that before that day. It was okay, Posey would say, because they had each other, and they would keep their heads up together. They were both stronger than whatever people told them.

From that day forward, their friendship only strengthened. She learned that Posey didn’t actually live at Hogwarts, but instead, she was only working there during the school year. She had a sister who had paid her to help out around the house-apparently it was a rather large estate- until Posey had found her job at Hogwarts. She still lived at home with her sister, though, and was always welcome to return to her old job. They both missed each other while Posey was away. Lily once asked if Posey preferred helping her sister, why she chose to stay at Hogwarts; Posey’s answer was that after next year she would leave, but one of the students was her nephew and she wanted to keep an eye on them like a good aunt. Posey just wanted to take care of her family. Lily thought that was really admirable. 

“Your usual?” Benjy asked, snapping Lily out of her thoughts. She flushed, nodding softly as they sat at the table in the middle of the kitchen. 

“I may have broken my fair share of school rules,” Lily said, offering him a sheepish grin. The smile Benjy returned brought back those pesky butterflies, but Lily wasn’t all too upset about it. It was beautiful.  _ He  _ was beautiful. She needed to stop staring. 

Tucking her hair behind her ears, Lily looked to Posey. “Sorry, Posey, I didn’t ask. Did you want any help with anything? I can help clean up the dishes again?” Posey glanced between Benjy and Lily, looking at them as if they were a puzzle piece. 

“Oh no, Miss Lily! Not today. I can do the dishes this time, but won't you introduce your new friend to Miss Posey?"

Right! Benjy was only sneaking into the kitchen for the first time. 

“Benjy Fenwick,” he said, holding out a hand to Posey with a winning smile. “You and Lily are friends?” Did he always have to be so charming? 

Posey nodded her head, carrying over a big bowl of chocolate covered strawberries for the three of them to share. She scurried over to the kitchen again, bringing over a tea kettle and three mugs. 

Lily grinned up at Benjy. “We go way back,” she said. Posey made herself a cup of tea before settling down beside Benjy. Lily started making tea for herself and Benjy, passing him his mug. 

“Miss Lily and I have hot cocoa together almost every month,” Posey said. She was quiet for a moment, looking between the two of them as if fitting together those two puzzle pieces. Then, her face lit up in the warmest smile Lily had ever seen. “It’s nice to invite a new _ friend _ into the mix.” 

Lily nearly choked on her tea. Was Posey...flirting for her? Benjy didn’t even bat an eye. In fact, he sort of glanced toward Lily with this unreadable expression. Fondness?

He nodded. “It’s very nice having new friends, you’re right.” He must not have understood what Posey was saying, and thank goodness for that. Benjy had a girlfriend and Lily wasn’t about to ruin that for him. Lily nudged Benjy playfully, relieved she could just play it off the way he did. 

“All it took was for me to try to tattle on Snape, right?” Benjy snorted at that. The way he looked into her eyes just then, the world around her faded and all that ever existed was Benjy Fenwick. Lily swallowed, trying to find anything to anchor herself back to the ground because she couldn’t do this. She wouldn’t be the reason Benjy and his girlfriend broke up. 

“Right,” he murmured, seeming to sense her discomfort. His smile was gone and in its place was a thin line and furrowed eyebrows. “Are you okay, Lils?” Lily nodded, eyes wide. 

How did he know? She plastered on a happy face. “Just worried we’ll be late to Gobstones if we don’t hurry up.” Lily held up her mug to him in a toast. He mimicked her motions. “Cheers.”

She sipped at her tea, peering over it at Benjy. His hair lay in curly waves. It looked as though he had tried to style them more neatly today, but between the rain and the late hour, his hair had reverted to whatever it wanted to do. She liked it better unruly, truthfully. Benjy turned to look at her and she dropped her gaze into her tea immediately, her face red as beets. 

“You’ve barely touched your snack.” 

“I guess I was a little preoccupied,” she breathed, sparing a glance up at him. He was red too. 

Why would she say that? Why? Benjy Fenwick was taken. Off the market. Not available. So how dare she flirt with him? She could imagine Amelia Bones finding out, hurt and angry about this whole night. Lily cleared her throat, sitting up. 

No. She would not start a fight over a boy. Women need to support each other, not tear each other down. As much as she liked Benjy, as sweet as this moment was, it was erring far too close to the side of flirting. Lily would not do that to another person. She would not ruin their relationship. 

“Maybe we can take these to the club as a welcome back, welcome to the club gesture? We’re going to be late if we don’t start moving,” Lily said.

Benjy snapped out of his little daze he’d been in. In its place was confident, professional Benjy. Head Boy and club president Benjy. As if Lily needed to see that side of him again, the side that made her fall head over heels in the first place. 

Merlin, if Lily didn’t pull herself together soon she worried she couldn’t see Benjy anymore. 

That was what she would have to do, wasn’t it? To prevent herself from saying anything she would regret, she would have to distance herself from him. Her heart shattered at the thought. Maybe she could push through this? Maybe if she just focused on not spending any time alone with him, she could still be his friend. 

“That’s a brilliant idea, Lily. You’re really smart, you know?” Brilliant. Maybe if he didn’t say stuff like that. 

“Not sure I’d say that, but…” Lily glanced around. Where had Posey gone? How had she gotten so lost in her thoughts she didn’t even notice Posey had left? “Er-thank you. Do you know where Posey went? We should really ask her if we’re allowed to bring this bowl to the club meet…” 

Benjy touched her shoulder again, sending sparks through her veins. “Hey, Head Boy, remember? I think I can give us permission as long as we return the bowls to the kitchen, yeah?” 

Lily sucked in a breath, looking down at his hand on her shoulder. It was like he was  _ trying _ to reel her in. She nodded, turning to pick up the bowl of strawberries and slip out of his touch without making it noticeable. Benjy was just being friendly. Lily shouldn’t read into it. Apparently Benjy didn’t get the _ don’t read into it  _ memo. He was staring at her, his hand still lingering in the air. 

“Did I do something wrong?” No! No no no. Lily was not mentally prepared to have this conversation. 

“No, why do you ask?” She forced another happy face, nodding towards the door. “Those stones won’t gob themselves!” What? Now she was just speaking gibberish.

Benjy looked her over, his eyes narrowing. “You’re all jumpy. And you were acting weird when I touched your shoulder.” He blinked, his face going pale. “Was that not okay? I’m so sorry, Lily, I didn’t mean to make you uncomforta-” 

“No, Benjy!” Lily set the strawberries back on the table and grabbed his hand, squeezing it tightly. “No. It’s not that. I promise.” Sighing deeply, Lily focused on drawing little patterns into the table instead of looking at him. “I  _ really _ like you. And this feels like a date, and-” 

“Hold on a second,  _ you didn’t think this was a date _ ?” Lily stared at him with an open mouth. What was happening? 

“You have a  _ girlfriend _ , Benjy Fenwick!” 

Benjy was shaking his head, staring at her in some kind of mixture between disbelief and amusement. “Amelia and I broke up this summer.” A beat. 

He and Amelia were broken up. 

Benjy Fenwick did not have a girlfriend. 

Benjy thought this was a date. 

“This  _ is  _ a date,” Lily breathed, still taking this all in. 

“Yeah. Er-at least, I thought it was,” he said, looking around the room all flustered. The way his cheeks glowed pink, and he bounced on his heels with his hands in his pockets, yet he still refused to break eye contact with her, Lily felt the butterflies that had been fluttering about in her stomach all night explode. 

Benjy Fenwick had asked her out, and she hadn’t even realized it. Lily threw her arms over her face to hide her blush, bursting into a fit of giggles. 

“Of course it’s a date!” she said, exasperation at herself dripping in her tone as her arms slipped back down at her sides. “And you’ve been nothing but a gentleman and I’ve been completely clueless trying to distance myself so not to break you and your ex up!” Lily hadn’t stopped laughing since she’d started, and now Benjy was joining in. Her hands found his, making her first move for the night. 

“No wonder I wasn’t getting anywhere with you,” he breathed, reaching up to tuck her hair behind her ear. Her ears burned bright red. Was this it? Was this going to be her first kiss? He was so close to her, and his hands were so warm in hers, and everything was quiet and still and- 

“Shoot. We’re late.” He glanced back at her, a grin blooming across his face. “I’d say it was worth it though, don’t you?”

He was looking at her as if he’d found treasure. It left her breathless. To his question, Lily just nodded mutely. He kissed her cheek quickly before gathering all the strawberries into one bowl for him to carry. 

Lily stood there shocked, her hand floating up to her cheek. It didn’t really count as a first kiss, but it was still so more than she’d bargained for when she’d agreed to this date. More laughter bubbled up from her lips. She ran to catch back up with Benjy, linking her arm with his. 

Gobstones Club was fun. Benjy explained the rules to her twice, but she wouldn’t be able to tell anyone a single rule for the life of her. It wasn't for the sake of not trying, but all Lily could focus on was how attractive Benjy was. 

He was leading the club, greeting everyone who entered the room with a kind smile, and got the game started fairly quickly. Most first club meetings of the year drawled on with introductions and fun facts, but Benjy used the game to facilitate introductions instead. He was a good leader.

When she fell back, just watching the game, he convinced her to join in, guiding her fingers with his own to roll the stone and not get squirted at if she missed. It felt like electricity, his touch. It left shivers down her spine. All Lily could think was that _ they were dating. _

Benjy seemed to be thinking the same thing, as his hands lingered on hers a bit longer every round until he’d given up by the end of the night and their fingers were interlocked between the two of them. 

The club had ended just as quickly as it had begun-a fourth year Slytherin had won with ease. Benjy and Lily had returned the bowl to the kitchen, and Benjy was washing it while refusing her help. He insisted.

“I don’t want tonight to end,” Lily confessed, sitting on the kitchen countertops as Benjy cleaned their mess. His lips quirked up in a little grin, and he set the dish down on the drying rack after a moment. 

“Oh, but then we get tomorrow,” he murmured, pulling her hands into his. 

“What’s tomorrow?” she asked, rubbing her thumbs across the back of his hands. A flush crept up his cheeks at the gesture, which made those butterflies return.

As much as she wracked her brain, she couldn’t think of a single thing happening the next day. It was Friday? Perhaps that’s what he meant? But likely not, they still had classes on Fridays. She thought for a moment that perhaps he meant they were getting assigned their big group project in Defense tomorrow, but that wasn’t it either. Benjy wasn’t in her Defense class. He was in the year above her. 

Lily tried to think over every single possibility when a different realization hit her. Tonight was the full moon. And she hadn’t even made sure she had all the potions and salves she usually brought Remus! Benjy was saying something, but she wasn’t really paying attention anymore. 

“I have to go,” she whispered, pulling away from him. 

“What? Is that a no to breakfast?” Benjy looked heartbroken. Lily blinked, trying to refocus on the boy in front of her. 

“Breakfast? No, I’d love to have breakfast with you!” He looked unsure. “I’m sorry,” Lily said, hugging his arm as they left the kitchens. “I just remembered an assignment I have to finish tonight. Breakfast with you would be perfect, just like tonight. Tonight was perfect. Thank you.” 

Benjy relaxed at her words, now rubbing her hand where it lay on his arm. “When should I pick you up?” 

“Oh, erm…” Lily shook her head. It wasn’t like she could tell Benjy where exactly she would be and what she was doing. No, Benjy wouldn’t spill Remus’s secret, but it still wasn’t her place to give it away in the first place. A little white lie wouldn’t do any harm. “I’ve set up office hours with Slughorn tomorrow morning. I’ll meet you in the Great Hall?” 

They reached the Gryffindor Tower much too soon for Lily’s liking, although it was probably for the best. How awful she would feel if she had to show up empty handed at Remus’s bedside. 

Of course, with her breakfast date, she would have to rearrange her schedule a little bit and arrive earlier than normal. That shouldn’t be a problem though, for Lily didn’t think Remus slept at all after a full moon. He was always wide awake when she came to visit him, although his exhaustion did show in his face. 

Benjy’s hands on her shoulders brought her back to the present. “The Great Hall tomorrow morning at nine?” His hands slid down her arms, now swaying their hands back and forth the slightest bit. Lily couldn’t hold back the genuine joy blooming across her face. 

“Tomorrow at nine,” she promised. Just as she was about to say the password and return to her room, Benjy pulled her closer. This was it! It was happening! 

Her eyes fluttered shut, and he was so close she could feel the heat radiating off him, and…

His lips fell on her forehead.

“Goodnight, Lily.” Benjy slipped away with a nervous wave and Lily had to force herself not to pull out her hair. That was supposed to be her first kiss! 

This boy was going to be the death of her. 

With a deep breath, she turned her focus to helping Remus. She would sort through her trunk, find her supplies, and hopefully have everything she needed to help her friend. Then after visiting Remus tomorrow, she would have her second date with Benjy, and hopefully finally get that first kiss she’d been hoping for. Fingers crossed. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Follow me on Tumblr @Solstilla


	7. The Hospital Wing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lily visits Remus after a full moon  
> WARNING: This chapter includes descriptions of wounds and wound tending.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: This chapter includes descriptions of wounds and wound tending.   
> I was going to wait to post this chapter until I had the next one finished but I have no impulse control and just really wanted this one out in the world. It's by far my favorite one so far.

Reaching the hospital wing, the voices she heard from down the hallway were growing louder. Lily stood frozen with her hand on the door handle. Had someone found out about Remus? Usually Lily was the only one there when she came to visit him. Sure, today she had come a bit early so she could have breakfast with Benjy, but it wasn’t as if twenty minutes made that big of a difference. 

She could make out the words “moon,” and “scar,” though, which did not bode well. Trying to quell the panic rising in her chest, Lily pressed her ear to the door. If only she could get a closer read of what they were saying. 

“Oh, c’mon, Moony.” That sounded like Potter...or maybe it was Black? It was hard to tell from behind the door. Everything was coming out muffled. “Don’t be so-” Don’t be so what? Who was talking now? Was it that same person? Lily couldn’t tell. She pushed on the door a little bit more. Perhaps if she kept it cracked, just ever-so-slightly she could figure out what they were saying. 

“Worse? You could’ve been killed.” Oh no. Who could’ve been killed? If only Lily could peak in and just see what was going on. 

What if someone had found out about Remus? Someone who really should not know about him? Severus had been close last year. Or maybe he  _ did  _ find out and that’s where all those rumors about Potter saving his life came from. But if Severus knew, she was sure he would have told the whole school by now. So he couldn’t have known, could he? 

“He did have to sit through one of Mum’s howlers once when McGonagall told her we blew up a toilet. It was awful.” That was Sirius. He didn’t sound concerned at all. Maybe, just maybe, they were being dramatic? It wasn’t out of the ordinary for the four boys. 

And then, Lily heard something she’d never heard Remus do after a full moon ever before. He laughed. “I remember that,” he said through his chuckles. “I think we all sat through it. Second year, yeah?” 

In her shock, she forgot to keep her weight balanced  _ away  _ from the door and it went flying open, taking Lily with it. Unable to grasp onto anything, her hands went flying out in front of her, which flung her bag full of Remus’s remedies just inches below his bed. That wasn’t Lily’s main concern at the moment. She broke her fall by landing on her right wrist, hissing at the pain.

Now she was keenly aware of the bewildered stares of four teenage boys directed at her. Great. Not only did they catch her eavesdropping, but she fell, quite literally, flat on her face right in front of them. 

“Lily are you alright?” Remus made a move to get up, but Lily shot up well before he had the chance. He was recovering. She could not, in good conscience, let him check on  _ her. _ Even if her wrist was painfully throbbing by her side. 

“Just fine,” Lily promised with a nod, flashing him a bright smile. Her eyes remained firmly on Remus. Everything else she was determined to mentally filter out. Especially the burning gaze from Potter. 

What was his deal? He looked as if she’d just kicked a puppy or something. Lily reached over to grab her bag but her hands had grasped onto nothingness. Right. She’d thrown it forward when she fell. 

Her potion bottles! They could have broken in her fall! Lily’s eyes turned to saucers as she launched towards her bag on the ground and tore through the contents. At least this gave her the perfect excuse not to look at the four boys staring at her quizzically. Draught of Peace to help any anxiety, check. Invigoration Draught to give him an energy boost, check. Murtlap Essence for any bothersome wounds, check. Ibuprofen for any aches and pains he still has left, check. 

Lily had faith in the mix of muggle medication and magical potions, and Remus had told her several times how much it helped. 

With a breath of relief, she strode forward and set them each on his bedside table. The movement hurt. Perhaps she should ask Pomfrey to check on her wrist afterwards. 

“All survived the fall, no Humpty Dumpty today,” she joked lightly, taking a seat beside Remus as per tradition. Now the stares from Remus’s friends were becoming even more unbearable. She knew somehow they were involved with Remus’s transformations, but she’d never seen them in the hospital wing the next morning ever before. 

Who could have been killed? How had they known, if so? Were Potter, Black and Pettigrew there during Remus’s transformation? Why would they do anything so reckless? And if they were there, were they always with Remus during the full moons? Which would mean that Snape probably really did know and Potter really did save him… But Lily couldn’t think about the implications of that, the threat that Snape would be to Remus…No, she had to stay in the moment. 

At this moment, the Marauders, as they called themselves, were all sitting in the hospital wing with Remus staring at her like she was an outsider. Did they always come and Lily’s early arrival had thrown off the natural order of things? Lily searched Remus’s face for any sign or hint to what could be different, but he was giving her nothing. Remus was acting as if this were all completely normal. 

To be fair, she supposed  _ she _ looked like the abnormal one, falling in through the doors. Honestly, how could she have been so reckless as to get caught eavesdropping? Given her track record with the boys, it would not be taken lightly. That must’ve been why they were looking at her that way. Wait. Did they think _ she  _ was a threat to Remus’s secret? 

“Erm,” Lily cleared her throat. “Sorry about that. I didn’t realize you had visitors.” In her defense, she didn’t know. She had thought the most dreadful thing had happened and someone had found out Remsus’s secret. “I thought maybe it was a bad time…” 

Remus just smiled at her in return. He really was too good to her, far too understanding. “No need to apologize, really. Thanks for the potions.” 

“You know it’s never a problem,” she said. 

Lily fiddled with a loose string on her sweater with her good hand. She was still having a hard time looking up while all the guys were staring at her and this gave her an excuse to keep her gaze away from them for a moment longer. It also gave her an excuse to take a closer look at her wrist. It was swelling. Damn it. Before Remus could tell what she was doing and freak out over her injury, Lily decided now would be a good time to change the subject. 

She jerked her head towards the guys. “Having a little party this morning, huh?”

Sirius’s face lit up, a smirk stretching across his features. Was he waiting for an opportunity to tease her? 

“Evans, if you think this is a party, you must not know parties. We’re just hanging out.” 

Yes, Lily decided, he was. She wrinkled her nose at his comment. “Wow Black, I’m wounded. How will I ever recover?” At least it was better than the strange looks Potter was shooting her. Was he in awe of her or did he want to scream at her? Lily really couldn’t tell. Weird guy, Potter was. It wasn’t like they had any footing to stand onl Lily always came to visit Remus after the full moon and she had never seen them before today. They were supposed to be his best friends. And here they were avoiding the question. She pursed her lips, looking between the three boys. “What are you guys doing here anyways?”

Peter glanced up at her. He still looked surprised to see her visiting Remus. “We’re always here after the…” Lily quirked her eyebrow, almost daring him to say it. They knew what happened last night. He forced a quick smile, seeing the expression of his friends and Lily. “Nevermind.” 

“So am I,” she contested, leaning back in her seat comfortably. “But I’ve never seen you guys here before. What’s so different about this morning?” More simply, was Remus hurt? Was his secret safe? Lily felt like she’d stumbled into a game of chess, trying to get answers from these guys. 

James raised an eyebrow right back, glancing at the clock. “Actually, Evans, we’re  _ always _ here at this time. I think you’re the one who is making this morning different, yeah?” Ah, yes. There’s that familiar Potter  _ charm. _ Lily shot him a sweet smile in response. 

“I’ve got a busy morning, but I wanted to make sure Remus was my top priority.” Nudging Remus to catch his attention, Lily nodded towards the potions she’d set down. “I wasn’t sure what you had left since the summer stuff I got you. I ran out of Dittany, but Murtlap will help soothe the pain. Next time you’re feeling ill, I should have more, though. So just let me know which one you prefer?” 

She was keenly aware of Potter watching her. What was his deal today? Sirius and Peter seemed to have moved past her whole eavesdropping thing when it became clear Remus wanted her here. She was just trying to help Remus. What, did he have some kind of superiority complex where only  _ he  _ could help Remus? Whatever his deal was, it was getting on her nerves. 

“Lily,” Remus’s voice broke through her thoughts. “You have, once again, outdone yourself. Thank you.” 

She shook her head softly. It was nothing, just part of their dynamic anymore. Awkward silence followed. 

Would Potter please stop  _ staring _ at her? What was so surprising about a friend taking care of another friend? Finally, he broke the silence.

“We’d better get going so we’re not late for class, yeah?” Potter pushed himself up, waving to Remus with a bandaged arm. “See you Evans,” he winced, cradling the injured arm delicately. “We’ll be back later, Moony. Get some rest.” 

All the color left Lily’s face. She hadn’t noticed his arm was injured before. That’s who they were talking about, who could’ve been killed. Remus had accidentally hurt him last night.

So that’s what was different. That’s why she was such an unwelcome visitor. That’s why they were staring at her. That’s why eavesdropping had been so horribly jarring for them. No wonder Potter had been glaring at her this whole time. Did he think she would lash out on Remus or something?

Was James Potter a werewolf now? 

The thought shook her so much, she could no longer sit idly by and let them leave. She needed to talk to Potter. Lily shot up as well. “Remus, take your potions,” she murmured, scrambling to get her bag and start running down the hallway. “Potter! Potter, wait!” she called, running as fast as her legs would take her. How had they gotten so far ahead. “Potter,  _ please! _ ” 

James stopped, holding up for her. The boys said something to each other that she didn’t quite catch as she closed off the space between them. Sirius and Peter had reluctantly continued on their way, but not without shooting Lily an annoyed look. She didn’t care.

“What happened to your arm?” 

“It’s just...I’m fine, Evans. Really.”

Lily studied his face, her brows furrowing at the uncertainty on his expression. If he was fine, he wouldn’t be acting so weird. “Let me see it.” It wasn’t a question. 

“No,” he said quickly, scuttling back just a hair. James stared down at his poorly bandaged arm before finally taking a breath. “I’m fine, _ really. _ Thanks for the concern.”

To hell with it. If Potter was scratched or bitten by Remus last night, not only did he risk becoming a werewolf, but that meant that injury could be brutal if not properly cared for. Lily knew basic first aid from her parents, plus she studied Healing practices as a possible career option.

“I just want to help you,” Lily murmured, taking his arm gently. Much to her surprise, he relented. 

Unravelling his weak bandaging, Lily felt shoots of pain radiating from her wrist. Definitely sprained, she thought. She would address it soon, but right now, James’s injury took priority. With the bandage off, Lily could take full stock of the state he was in. 

No bite marks, but he did have large claw marks down his arm, far too deep to be cared for with his simple bandages. He needed some sort of cream to disinfect it and some salve for the pain.Then he needed heavier bandaging. Because it was from Remus last night, he should be seen by a healer. Lily couldn’t imagine he would take that well, given his reaction to her. 

Would Potter become a werewolf too? How would Remus react to the news? She couldn’t think about that now. 

As gentle as she could, Lily touched the skin surrounding the marks. Potter tried to tug his hand away immediately. 

“Merlin, Evans... that  _ hu-”  _ She shot him a deathly glare, although there was no heat behind it. 

“Has Pomfrey looked at this?” Potter cleared his throat and shook his head. Great. Wonderful. 

“No,” he said. At least he had the decency to look apologetic. “It’s fine, honestly. I’ll be fine.” Who did he think he was kidding? 

“Fine.” Lily echoed, her breath whooshing out of her. “Yeah, until the next full moon when you...” She couldn’t finish her thought. The thought of James Potter becoming a werewolf because he was trying to look after Remus made her stomach twist. Remus would never forgive himself. What would happen if they encountered each other during a transformation? 

She scowled, unable to sit with those thoughts any longer. Lily pulled out extra Murtlap from her bag and tugged him to sit with her at the window sill overlooking the lake. 

“Look, if you’re going to be stupid enough not to get checked, at least let me fix you up and do some research. I don’t know if scratches can-” He cut her off. 

“No research needed.” Why was he laughing? “I’m not going to...turn if that’s what you’re worried about.” 

Lily narrowed her eyes. “You’re sure of that?” That made no sense, though. There was no way he could be sure. And yet, somehow, Potter had never seemed more confident in that statement than she’d ever seen him ever before. 

“Completely sure,” he murmured, staring back at her so intently she had to drop her gaze to stop that uncomfortable fluttering in her chest. 

With pursed lips, Lily began to dress his wound. Inside her bag, she kept a first aid kit just in case she would need it as a prefect. Good thing she did, too. She’d used it a couple of times here and there, mostly for band-aids for first and second years. This was the first time she’d needed it for anything major. 

Pulling it out, Lily began by sanitizing his arm with an alcohol wipe. James was giving her a look as if she were crazy and tried to pull away, but she held his hand tight with her good arm. 

“That hurts, you know. What in Merlin’s name is that thing?” 

Had he never heard of alcohol before? She couldn’t tell if he was messing with her or not. Lily looked up at him, breathing in deeply as she met his eyes. From how close they were, she could make out the tiniest details. They were hazel, but they had little flecks of orange in them.  _ James has really beautiful eyes _ , she thought. He was staring at her too, his mouth hanging open just the slightest bit. Her cheeks burned bright red. Why was her heart thudding the way that it was? Lily tore her gaze away from him, staring at nothingness with her head turned to the ground.

His hiss at the alcohol wipe she’d forgotten that she was holding against his skin brought her back to the present.

“It’s to keep it from getting infected.” Lily said apologetically. He was still squirming against her grip. “Please, stop moving! I’m trying to help you!” Huffing, she wiped the alcohol over the area one last time before moving onto the next item. The Murtlap Essence, though disgusting, would ease any of the pain from the alcohol and the cuts in general. 

As she coated the blue liquid onto his arm, Lily kept carefully eyeing him for any new signs of discomfort. To her relief, his expression evened out. Pain disappeared into what looked like appreciation. 

From inside the first-aid kit, she gathered up some gauze bandages, wrapping up his arm gingerly. She didn’t want to make it too tight and hurt him, but if it were too loose, it would come undone far too quickly. She finished up with some medical tape from the same kit. 

“Here,” she handed him more alcohol cloth packets and the bottle of murtlap essence. She’d used up all the gauze bandages from inside her kit, and band-aids would do very little to help him. Without a moment of hesitation, Lily pulled out a piece of parchment from her bag, transfiguring it into a nearly identical bandage as the one currently on his arm. She took a moment to roll it up for him before placing it in his hands with the other items and the medical tape. 

Her hands lingered above his for a moment. Before Lily could pull away, James grabbed her hand back. 

“Your wrist is swollen,” he said, staring down at it. “You did hurt yourself when you fell.” 

Lily tore her arm away from him, shaking her head softly. “It’s nothing, I’m fine, Potter. Really.” His words from earlier echoed in her ears. He seemed to realize this too, a grin stretching across his face. 

“Feels weird being on the other end of this, yeah?” Lily allowed herself to laugh, rubbing the sprained wrist tenderly. 

“You were much worse off than I am. I’ll heal soon enough by resting it,” she said. 

James quirked an eyebrow, setting down the supplies she gave him for his arm on the windowsill and pulled her arm back towards him. “If you think I’m just going to let you go while you’re injured you’re daft.” 

Lily opened her mouth to respond, but the look James shot back at her made her shut her mouth. He didn’t seem to notice, as his fingers trailed along her wrist lightly applying pressure as he went. At a particularly sensitive spot, Lily hissed out in pain, tears springing into her eyes. 

James let go immediately. “Lily,” he said, his voice strained. “I think your wrist is  _ broken _ .” 

It was looking pretty rough. Lily’s wrist was quickly turning blue and the swelling was enough to hinder her movement. Still, she didn’t want to go to the hospital wing. If Remus saw her being treated because of her fall, he would be devastated. Especially after accidentally hurting James last night, although she wasn’t sure how much he knew about that. 

“I’m not seeing Pomfrey for this.” James pursed his lips, glancing between Lily and the hospital wing. He seemed to be contemplating dragging her there anyways. “James,” she said, huffing. “It’s fine! It’ll he-”

“Let me heal it.” Lily blinked back her surprise. Wasn’t he going to send her to the infirmary? She pulled her arm tighter to herself, but winced at the motion. James looked at her pointedly. “You know, that wouldn’t hurt if you let me help you.” He was right. 

Lily hated when he was right. All the same, she held out her arm to him. Thankfully, he didn’t make any kind of retort and just continued to examine her wrist. After what felt like an eternity, he finally looked up at her, pulling out his wand from inside his school robes. 

“This might hurt for a second, I’m really sorry.” James held her hand delicately in his own, his other pointing his wand at her bruised and swollen wrist. Lily sucked in a breath, bracing herself. “Episkey.” 

It snapped back into place and Lily couldn’t hold back a whimper because it  _ did  _ hurt. But the pain dissipated after mere seconds, and her wrist was looking much better already. 

“Thank you,” Lily said. She’d been so amazed that she hadn’t noticed her hand still in James’s until he cleared his throat. As if he were burning her skin, Lily ripped her hand back down to her side.

“Anytime, Evans.” A beat. Two. Three. 

The silence would eat away at her if she didn’t find something to say. Anything. She hesitated, now looking down at the little first aid kit she’d put together for him still sitting on the windowsill. “You need to change this bandage and clean that cut at least twice a day. Maybe three times if you can. Do you understand me, Potter?” 

“Got it,” he agreed, putting away the supplies in his bag. A pause. James raked his good hand through his messy hair before smiling down at her. Lily thought she much preferred his smile to his glare from earlier. “Uh, thanks, Evans. For this.” He lifted his injured arm in reference. “And for helping Remus.”

“Oh.” She flashed him a shy smile right back. “No, that’s nothing, really. Remus is my friend.” Lily focused on putting back together her bag, pushing her hair away from her face.

James was shaking his head, insistent on thanking her, apparently. “It’s everything to him, really,” he said, eyeing her now as she gathered her belongings. “You have no idea how much it means to him.”

“Hmm.” Hazel met green for just a moment, and Lily knew how sincere James was being at that moment. No jokes. No fronts. Just genuine Potter. It was a nice change of pace for once. “Well, do us both a favor and keep that arm in good shape. Remus will have a heart attack if he finds out how bad that is. If you don’t do it for yourself, do it for him, yeah?” 

James slung his bag over his shoulder, flashing this cheeky grin at her. She turned to hide the pink spreading across her cheeks and began walking away.

“Later, Evans,” he called.

Lily spun back around, a smile on her face despite knowing how late she was for her breakfast with Benjy. “See you around, Potter.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Follow me on Tumblr @Solstilla

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first ever multi-chapter fic, and I haven't written in years so please be nice! I really hope you enjoyed this because I enjoyed writing it!

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Growing Pains](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24476653) by [infiniteinmyownlittleworld](https://archiveofourown.org/users/infiniteinmyownlittleworld/pseuds/infiniteinmyownlittleworld)




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